Clarity hits different when you're not chasing approval anymore.
I always thought my 40s would feel more… settled.
Like I'd finally have the whole “adulting” thing figured out, complete with a perfect morning routine, consistent skincare, fulfilling job, happy family, and inner peace wrapped in a velvet robe.
Instead?
My 40s cracked me wide open—in the best and worst ways. They stripped away everything I thought I was supposed to be and made space for me to figure out who I really am. Not the version who checks every box or performs her way into praise… but the version who chooses clarity over chaos, and alignment over approval.
These aren’t fluffy life lessons. These are hard-earned truths, dug up through burnout, bold moves, breakdowns, breakthroughs, and everything in between.
So, if you're in your 40s (or approaching them) and wondering why life suddenly feels messier, louder, or more demanding of your honesty… this one’s for you.
Here are the biggest things I’ve learned—sometimes the hard way.
1. A Little Ego Is Necessary
Stepping into your power doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a practice. And for me, it started by learning to accept a compliment without shrinking.
For years, anytime someone praised me—my outfit, a speech, my leadership—I would roll my eyes, mumble a shy thank-you, or quickly redirect the conversation. I didn’t want to seem full of myself. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
But deep down, I was the one who was uncomfortable. Because part of me still believed I wasn’t worthy of that spotlight.
Fast forward to a recent conference I attended. There was an award being given out: "Audacious Woman of the Year." I stood up to film the announcement, assuming, of course, that someone else’s name would be called. Even when I heard my name listed among the nominees, I didn’t flinch. I kept filming. I wanted to capture the moment for whoever won.
And then they called my name as the winner.
I was stunned.
That moment was another wake-up call. Not just that others saw me as worthy—but that I hadn’t yet let myself see it.
In my 40s, I’m learning to walk into rooms like I belong there. To hear my name and not flinch. To wear my confidence like a bracelet—not hidden away, but visible and steady.
Because ego isn’t about arrogance. It’s about owning your impact.
And I’m done pretending I don’t have one.
2. Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish
When I exited my role as CEO at a marketing agency, people thought I was out of my mind.
On the surface, it was a six-figure job. A powerful title. A stable position leading a team I genuinely loved. But inside? I was crumbling.
I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode—always bracing for the next crisis, the next pivot, the next shift in who I had to become just to keep up. The version of me that existed in that role no longer aligned with who I was at my core. I was a leader, yes—but I was also a shell of myself.
And the truth? I wasn’t leading well, because I wasn’t well.
The pressure to perform, to people-please, to hold it all together… it had taken its toll. I was ignoring every signal my body was sending me. My nervous system was shot. My soul was screaming for something different.
So I did the unthinkable.
I exited—with no back-up plan. No shiny new title waiting. No safety net.
Just a quiet knowing that if I didn’t choose myself, I’d lose myself.
And here’s what I’ve learned since: when you finally prioritize your own well-being, everything else starts to make sense. You begin to show up with more energy, more clarity, more truth. You stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace or make others comfortable.
Putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s how you finally show up fully for the people who matter most.
3. Family Isn’t Always Blood
I was never the type of woman to have a big circle of friends. I had a few close ones and mostly just hung out with other parents whose kids were the same ages as mine. I networked for business but always kept it surface-level.
But something shifted in my 40s. I started craving community—not just connections. I began seeing networking as a way to find people who inspired me, who lit something up in me. People I genuinely admired.
And what I discovered? These women weren’t just interested in my LinkedIn title or my resume—they wanted to know me. They wanted to cheer for me. Support me. Lift me up.
When I stepped away from the marketing agency, that community showed up in a way that floored me. People reached out constantly, asking how they could help. Offering connections. Checking in with zero agenda.
They weren’t just colleagues. They weren’t just contacts. They were my village.
And I’ve learned that sometimes, the most profound family you’ll ever have is the one you choose.
4. Forgiveness Frees You
Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook. It’s about setting
yourself free.
I had to forgive a lot in my 40s. I had to forgive my ex for not ending our marriage when they knew it was no longer what they wanted. But even more than that, I had to forgive
myself.
Forgive myself for staying too long. For not listening to my intuition sooner. For not being the picture-perfect mom I thought I should be.
And when I started giving myself that grace, everything started to shift. I stopped carrying shame. I stopped clinging to guilt. I started showing up stronger—not because I had something to prove, but because I was no longer weighed down.
Forgiving others didn’t mean I let them back in without boundaries. It meant I made space for healthier ones. Stronger ones.
Ones that protected the woman I’ve worked so hard to become.
5. Loving Yourself Unlocks Everything
Loving myself isn’t about being conceited—it’s about self-respect, gratitude, and boundaries.
It’s about acknowledging what I’m good at and appreciating the gifts I bring into the world. It’s about showing up for myself and not shrinking when things get hard. It’s about knowing I’m worthy of love—just as I am—and not needing outside validation to prove it.
It’s about protecting my peace, trusting my value, and seeing the beauty that others have seen in me all along.
And when you really love yourself? You stop chasing love in all the wrong places—and start living from a place of truth, strength, and joy.
6. Progress Over Perfection
I used to thrive off being seen as the one who could “do it all.”
I kept all the plates spinning. I was productive. I showed up. I checked every box.
But all that doing? It didn’t actually move me forward. It kept me trapped in a cycle of exhaustion.
In my 40s, I started letting go of perfection. And instead, I started tracking progress.
That shift changed everything. I stopped performing. I started aligning. And for the first time in a long time, I began to feel momentum again.
7. Discipline Beats Motivation
Motivation is great… when it shows up.
But discipline? That’s what gets results.
I want to be in the best shape of my life by 50. That doesn’t happen because I feel like working out. It happens because I do the work—even on days when I’d rather hit snooze.
Discipline means I choose what aligns with my future, not what feels good in the moment. It means I move even when I don’t feel inspired.
Because that version of me I’m becoming? She’s worth it.
8. Failure Isn’t Final — It’s Direction
I had a big revenue goal at the marketing company. I didn’t hit it.
As CEO, that stung.
But that “failure” taught me more than any success ever could. It forced me to assess my role, my team, my strategy, and—ultimately—my alignment.
It gave me the clarity to pivot.
Sometimes, failure is just feedback. And when you stop beating yourself up and start listening? Life opens up in the most unexpected ways.
9. You’re Allowed to Evolve
Evolution is part of life—but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
The truth is, growth makes some people uncomfortable. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because your change threatens their sense of who you were—or who they need you to be in order to feel safe in their own story.
I’ve seen this firsthand.
When I moved forward in my life—after a decade in a same-sex marriage, after walking away from a high-powered job, after blending families and building something entirely new—some people didn’t know how to process it. They whispered. They made comments like, “She’s not even the same person anymore,” as if that were a bad thing.
But others?
They cheered. They saw my transformation not as betrayal—but as liberation. They saw a woman stepping fully into herself. And they were proud of me for it.
That contrast taught me something important:
not everyone will celebrate your evolution—but the right ones will.
And yet, so many of us stay stuck. We cling to old identities, old roles, old patterns—because we’re afraid of what might happen if we grow beyond them. We don’t want to make waves. We don’t want to lose people. We don’t want to be misunderstood.
But staying small for someone else’s comfort isn’t love—it’s self-abandonment.
You’re allowed to evolve. To change. To surprise people. To stretch into the next version of yourself—even if it makes others uncomfortable.
Because real growth isn’t about proving anyone wrong. It’s about finally choosing what’s right for you.
And the people who truly love you? They’ll grow right alongside you—or they’ll cheer from the sidelines as you rise.
10. The Clarity Check
Your 40s aren’t a crisis. They’re a clarity check.
They will challenge you. Break you open. Ask you to reevaluate everything you thought mattered.
But they’ll also teach you how to rebuild—this time, in a way that actually feels like you.
They’ll show you that boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors to peace. That forgiveness isn’t weakness—it’s freedom. That self-love isn’t ego—it’s the foundation for everything else you’re trying to build.
You’ll stop needing to be perfect. You’ll stop trying to be everything for everyone. You’ll stop ignoring your intuition just to keep the peace.
And instead?
You’ll start living like your life belongs to you.
Because it does.
