Sometimes You Just Have to Get in the Room

Why Proximity to New People and Possibilities Can Change What You Believe Is Possible

You don't always have to know why you're walking into the room. Sometimes you just have to be willing to walk in.

Sometimes clarity doesn't come from thinking harder.

Sometimes it comes from changing what you're exposed to.

A new conversation.

A different environment.

Someone doing something you've secretly wondered if you could do too.

For years, I thought I needed to have everything figured out before I took the next step.

I needed the plan.

The confidence.

The proof that I belonged.

But I've learned that sometimes we have that backward.

Sometimes you don't gain the confidence and then walk into the room.

Sometimes you walk into the room, and that's where you find the confidence.

I learned that lesson in a room I almost didn't enter.

Who Am I to Be in the VIP Room?

Last year, I attended the Audacious Women's Summit.

The day before the main summit, there was a VIP event.

I wasn't going to go.

Honestly, my first thought was something along the lines of:

Who am I to sign up for the VIP event?

I imagined walking into a room filled with women who already knew one another. They'd probably all be friends. They'd be successful, connected and accomplished.

And I'd be the new kid trying to join the friend group.

So initially, I wasn't going to buy the ticket.

Then I thought about the woman putting on the event.

I wanted to support her.

I wanted to help her reach her goals.

So I bought the VIP ticket.

I had no idea that decision would become one of the most important things I did for myself that year.

The Room Wasn't What I Expected

That night, we laughed together.

We cried together.

We had real conversations.

But what struck me most was that we were all equal.

It wasn't about who had the most followers.

It wasn't about who made the most money.

It wasn't about who had the biggest company, the fanciest title or the most impressive résumé.

The night was about supporting one another.

And believing in ourselves.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that, I had to get really honest with myself.

I was playing small.

The hard part was that I already knew what I wanted.

I had dreams.

I had goals.

I could see where I wanted SheHandlesIt to go and the kind of impact I wanted to make.

And I was moving forward.

Technically.

But I was taking the tiniest steps possible because I was afraid of reaching too far.

I kept questioning whether I belonged in the rooms I wanted to enter.

That night, something shifted.

I stopped asking myself:

Which rooms am I allowed to be in?

And started asking:

Which rooms do I want to be in?

That one change has affected nearly everything I've done since.

Coaching Reflection

Think about the rooms you've been avoiding.

Maybe it's a conference.

A leadership group.

A class.

A networking event.

A retreat.

A speaking opportunity.

Maybe it's an entire industry you're curious about.

Now ask yourself:

Am I staying out of that room because it isn't right for me... or because I've already decided I'm not enough for it?

Those are two very different things.

I Started Choosing My Rooms Differently

After the Audacious Summit, I became much more intentional about where I put myself.

I've pitched myself to speak and moderate at events where I know the women I want to serve will be.

I've attended networking events that put me in proximity to my ideal clients.

But just as importantly, I started seeking rooms filled with women who are paving the way ahead of me or walking a similar path.

I want to be inspired.

And I want to inspire.

I can't expect to be inspired if I never put myself around people doing things that challenge me to think bigger.

And I can't make an impact if I never put myself in front of the people I'm meant to serve.

That's why I've stopped trying to be in every room.

I want to be in the right rooms.

There's a big difference.

This Isn't About Saying Yes to Everything

I want to make this part very clear.

Getting in the room does not mean filling your calendar with every event, luncheon, conference, coffee meeting and opportunity that comes your way.

I've spent a lot of time learning the opposite lesson.

My time matters.

My family matters.

White space on my calendar matters.

My energy matters.

Being intentional about the rooms I enter is actually another way of protecting those things.

Because if I'm going to give several hours of my life to something, I want to understand why I'm doing it.

So when you're considering a room, start with a very simple question:

What am I trying to accomplish?

Then ask:

Could this room help me get closer to it?

That's it.

If you're trying to grow your business, maybe you need to be in rooms with your ideal clients or people who can introduce you to them.

If you want to become a speaker, perhaps you need to spend time around speakers, event organizers and people already doing the work.

If you're considering a career change, maybe you need to start meeting people working in the field you're curious about.

If you're trying to figure out who you are outside of your career or family, your "room" might not be professional at all.

It could be an art class.

A retreat.

A volunteer organization.

A hiking group.

A book club.

A workshop.

Something you've always wanted to try.

You don't need to know exactly where the road leads.

You just need enough clarity to choose a room that might move you closer.

There's Actually Science Behind Getting in the Room

What I experienced at the Audacious Summit felt deeply personal, but there's research that helps explain why changing the people and environments we're exposed to can be so powerful.

Social scientists have studied something called "weak ties."

Your strong ties are generally the people closest to you: family, close friends and people already deeply embedded in your life.

Weak ties are the acquaintances, professional contacts and people outside your everyday circle.

Those relationships matter because they can expose us to information, ideas and opportunities that aren't already circulating within our closest networks. Research on social networks has long found that weaker connections can play an important role in spreading new ideas and information.

In other words, sometimes the person who changes the trajectory of your career, business or life isn't your best friend.

It's the woman you happened to sit beside at dinner.

The person you met at a conference.

The speaker you introduced yourself to afterward.

The acquaintance who says, "You know who you should meet?"

There's another piece of this that I find fascinating.

Research on role models also suggests that seeing people doing something can influence what we believe is available to us. The American Psychological Association notes research showing that exposure to female role models in STEM can shift women's perceptions of their own ability and desire to pursue those paths.

That's not exactly the same as attending a women's summit, of course.

But I think the broader lesson matters.

What we're exposed to can expand what we're able to imagine for ourselves.

Sometimes you need to see someone doing the thing.

Sometimes you need to hear how she got there.

Sometimes you need to discover that she was scared too.

And sometimes you need to sit across from someone you admire and realize...

She's human.

So am I.

Maybe I'm not reaching too far after all.

The Right Rooms Can Change the Questions You're Asking

Before that VIP event, I was asking:

Who am I to be here?

Afterward, I started asking:

Where do I want to be?

Notice the difference.

The first question asks someone else to determine your worthiness.

The second requires you to determine your direction.

That's self-leadership.

And if you're currently trying to figure out what's next for your life, career or business, maybe you don't need another month sitting at home thinking about it.

Maybe you need new information.

New conversations.

New perspectives.

New examples of what's possible.

Maybe you just need to get in a different room.

What If I'm the Least Successful Person There?

Then learn.

Seriously.

That's what those rooms are for.

You don't have to enter as the most accomplished person.

You don't have to know everyone.

You don't have to prove that you deserve your chair.

There may be someone in that room with her hand already extended, ready to lift you up.

She may give you advice.

Point you in the right direction.

Tell you what worked for her.

Tell you what absolutely did not.

Make an introduction.

Encourage you to take the next step.

Or simply show you that something you've been dreaming about is possible.

I've experienced that again and again.

When you are around empowered women, they empower the women around them.

Research on mentorship supports the value of those relationships too. Mentors can provide guidance and knowledge, serve as role models, and help bring people into broader professional networks.

But there's another side to it.

Eventually, you become the woman with her hand out.

You learn.

You grow.

You take the leap.

And someday another woman walks nervously into a room wondering whether she belongs there.

Now you're the one saying:

Come sit with me.

Let me introduce you.

Here's what I've learned.

You can do this.

That's the kind of room I want to be in.

A Simple Coaching Exercise: Choose Your Next Room

You don't need a complicated strategy.

Start here.

1. What are you trying to accomplish?

Get specific.

What do you want more of in your life right now?

Connection?

Clients?

Friendship?

Inspiration?

Knowledge?

Career opportunities?

Confidence?

Creativity?

Community?

2. Who is already doing it, learning it or looking for it too?

Think beyond the people you already know.

Who could expose you to a different conversation?

3. Where are those people gathering?

That's your room.

It may be physical.

It may be virtual.

It may cost money.

It may be free.

It may require you to introduce yourself to people you don't know.

And yes...

You may feel uncomfortable.

Go anyway.

Not because every room will change your life.

Most won't.

But you cannot discover possibilities you never expose yourself to.

Sometimes You Just Have to Walk In

I had no grand strategy when I bought that VIP ticket.

I wasn't thinking:

This room is going to change how I see myself.

I bought it because I wanted to support someone else.

But I walked into that room questioning whether I belonged there.

And I walked out realizing I'd been asking the wrong question.

I don't spend nearly as much time anymore wondering whether I'm important enough, successful enough or accomplished enough to be in a particular room.

I ask myself:

Is this where I want to be?

Does this bring me closer to what I'm trying to create?

Can I contribute something here?

Can this room expand me?

If the answer is yes, I want to find a way in.

So if there's a room you've been watching from the outside...

A room filled with people you admire.

A room where people are doing something you dream about doing.

A room where the conversations might challenge you, inspire you or expose you to a possibility you haven't considered yet...

Stop asking:

Who am I to walk in there?